Why give feedback?

There's a lot written about giving feedback and how to give it and this week's workshop, Telling It Like It Is, will help you enormously understand the ins and outs of feedback, but to me what's really important and often not thought about enough, is why you're giving feedback in the first place.

It might feel easier to think about why you're giving Positive feedback - because everyone likes a compliment - but I'm not sure it is.

The other day I was on the set of the really fun film my son is appearing in (Papadopoulos & Sons) and the lead actor, Stephen Dillane, came over to have a chat. I'd just heard him acting a man losing his temper and had been really scared by that 'fake' outburst of anger and wanted to tell him, but, at the same time a little voice was going through my head asking me why I wanted to tell him...

Was it because I wanted to share my sensation of being scared by 'his' temper with him and how impressed I was that he could put that on so easily?
Was it because I could never act and wanted to have a conversation with him about what it's like acting?
Was it because I wanted to boost his ego for the rest of the day - or at least a second?
Was it because I felt awkward in front of someone so good at what he does and felt a compliment was the best way in?
Was it because I wanted him to like me?

Gosh, it's complicated isn't it?

Or maybe it isn't complicated.

Maybe with positive feedback, it's OK to have mixed reasons for wanting to give it, because hopefully the compliment given to the other person does make them feel better, especially if it was honest and true, but with negative feedback it's crucial you know why you're giving it.

Sometimes when my children are wearing clothes I don't think suit them, for example, why would I give them negative feedback and tell them I don't like their shirt, especially if they're just about to go out? What outcome do I want?

Because it gets it off my chest (wrong reason)
Because it might make them go and get changed into something 'nicer' (wrong reason)
Because it's important to me what they look like ('get over it, Nina')
Because I'm a controlling mum (definitely wrong reason)
Because I think others will like/respect them more if they're wearing something 'better' (wrong reason - how do I know what their friends will like)
Because I want to change them (impossible and definitely wrong reason)

Of course, I mean it well, but...

Negative feedback is a tool that has to be used carefully. It's key to find out what outcome you want before you launch into it. If it's a situation you want to change then it's essential to use it, but if you just want to change someone else... forget it.

You can't change me through feedback, but any constructive feedback you want to throw my way, I'd be delighted.

See you there,
Nina
PS This week's workshop always has wonderful feedback from those who come along. What more can I tell you?

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Treading on eggshells...

We've just done our feedback workshop (Telling It Like It Is) and it made me realise two things:

Firstly: yet again I've realised just how difficult it is to give feedback. It's wonderful when you can first practise your feedback on a stand-in guinea pig (like in the workshop) but when you plunge straight in, like I tend to do, you can break hearts.

Secondly: I noticed just how many of us want to get things off our chest. At the club there was a group of lovely people and each one of them had something they really wanted to say to someone else. It could have been a rift they wanted to heal or a situation they no longer wanted to be part of. But there were a lot of unspoken feelings floating around that room.

What would you like to say to someone but have been so busy treading on eggshells that you've never said it?

And is that something you'd like to say for their benefit... or yours?

There's a fun cartoon in my new book How To Get What You Want (£9.99, Walker Books, out on Monday!!!) all about feedback. Do buy it for anyone you know and love who is between 15 and 25. And, whilst you own it, check out if you wouldn't rather like it for yourself..!

Hope you have a great weekend,
Nina
PS Been asked by Psychologies Magazine to ask you if you'd fill out their quiz. It takes five minutes and a chocolate hamper could be yours!!!

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What are you wearing..?

It was easy when I was three. I didn't care what I wore or what I looked like. I know I was beautifully dressed because I've been told - my mother had been waiting to have a child for so long that I'm sure she lavished the finest clothes on me that she could afford, but I had no idea that all this was going on.

The first time I remember becoming aware of clothes was when the nurse asked my brother if she could have my brother's wonderful beige, fringed cowboy jacket when he grew out of it. Of course, we didn't realise she was being silly and it would never fit her. We were so young we genuinely thought she wanted to wear it. I also thought then and there that it must be quite a special jacket for a grown-up to want it.

But, even then, it was many years before I really cared about what I wore.

Now I care. Recently I've been getting nervous about what to wear when I go into corporates. Having done little but write for most of my life I haven't come face to face with the corporate world before and have been feeling that I don't quite know how to 'fit in'. And yet, armed with this week's workshop, Presenting Me, I've been wondering why I even bother. Plus each business has its own special look.

Some are very crisp. Everyone seems to be wearing stripes and tailored jackets. Others are more flowery and individual. Some sport killer heels whereas others are in flat, sensible shoes. There seems to be no overall theme, just lots of different branches.

I'm just going to be 'me' from now on and let them work out who this grey-haired woman in T-shirts is. Or, better still, forget about what I'm wearing and just converse.

Do you dress for yourself or to fit in with your organisation?

Next week's workshop is all about giving and getting feedback. It's had great feedback(!) each time we've run it.

Why not buy an advance copy of my new book, How to Get What You Want, for nieces, nephews, grandchildren, god-children, friends or even... dare I say it... yourself. It's coming out next week!!!
All best,
Nina

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Telling it like it is

Now this may just look like a blank piece of paper, but on it is anything and everything you want to say to anyone - you choose and imagine.

Is it for that person who was so kind to you who you'd like to say 'thank you' to? Or that person who almost ran you over the other day who you'd want to say 'please pay more attention to zebra crossings' to? Or to your mum who you'd like to say 'I'm sorry' to? And on and on.

We so rarely say what we want to say to other people because we're afraid to. We might get over-emotional and start crying. We might get angry or we might get embarrassed. For whatever reason, we hide away from saying lovely things to people and we hide away from giving constructive feedback.

Last time we ran this club, the following week everyone returned with a smile on their face. During the week they'd opened up and actually said some really nice things they'd been wanting to say for ages. A few had had some difficult situations resolved too.

Go on, say it... I know you want to... You LOVE Life Clubs!
I love you too.
See you next week and thanks for reading this,
Nina
Founder Life Clubs

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